Nowheresville

 

Trick question: Did you ever hear of a comedy group named Firesign Theater ?  They were a big deal in the 1960’s and 70’s and had a line that I love: “How can you be in two places at once if you are not anywhere at all?” While they still have their own website, many of the original members have passed on to a performance space in the sky.

I am beginning to feel that way as I am trying to manage the due diligence testing work in Colorado from New Jersey. The difference in time zones isn’t really a problem, but making sure that things actually get done is what I’m concerned about. Between bad weather and the holidays it is a tough time to get things done – at least here in the east. But most of my worries are unwarranted. Its another difference between here and there. People have been showing up as promised on time and doing the work, how weird.  A few times I had to be a pest to get the reports after the test was done, but a few good-natured phone calls seemed to do the trick. Being a pest is something that the Jersey Girl says I am good at, too good she says. She is always warning me: “Don’t be a jerk!” And it is the (maybe deserved) reputation of New Yorkers and Jersey-ites. But I can’t forget that I have that list and those due dates hanging over my head. It is an epic struggle resisting my innate jerkiness.

I hear from the well testing guy – he is at the house and found that the way the well is set up he can’t test the well production capacity. This is a crucial test.  Colorado is a high desert, some places are very dry and others have a decent but not generous water supply. I don’t want to be buying a property that has poor quality water or poor production levels.  I already know that the well is old and that it is atypically shallow for the area – it is 180 feet deep. Most wells in the area are three times that depth.

I tell him to go ahead and test the quality of the water – for bacteria mainly. Because if I can’t get a production test before the deadline at least I’ll know if the water is drinkable – or not. Then I call the other well testing company which he recommended and set up a test for production explaining that the pump configuration requires a truck with a hoist to lift the pump out of the well. I was just repeating what well tester #1 told me to say. But it must have made sense to testing company #2 because they seemed to understand and scheduled a test in plenty of time to make the deadline. All done without being a jerk.

The next day I get a call from the neighbor’s caretaker, my new friend Ole. He said “Are you buying the place where the guy is having a garage sale and has put a bunch of stuff out at the road for free?” I suppose so, it sounds like it. The seller had had offered me two deep freeze chest freezers, which I have no use for and turned down. Ole said they were sitting by the side of the road with a “free” sign on them. Ole had been at the garage sale and met the seller, and while he was there he met the guy who lives at the end of the shared driveway. Ole mentioned how I had called him because I was looking for a caretaker, and the neighbor said he was interested – and gave Ole his phone number to pass along to me. “Jackpot” – at least it is a jackpot if he is a good caretaker. The last thing I want is a complicated relationship with a neighbor.

Here in NJ we have a shared driveway and we get along great with our neighbors, share responsibilities, have dinner together occasionally, we are even Facebook friends! I am hoping to be friends with the new neighbors, too. Another instance of needing to keep my jerkiness in check.

So I call Troy – the neighbor – and introduce myself. We have a great conversation and agree to meet when I am there next. I immediately look him and his wife up on Facebook and friend them.

One and a half tasks taken care of this week. Onward to the closing. Bonus, I haven’t pissed off anyone this week.

Then I remind the Jersey Girl about another good reason to get this place in Colorado: “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?” Another great line (this one is from Dan Hicks.) I might take trips without her, and she might go without me, too!